Idiot Number One

I believe that whenever I’m about to act on a bad idea, there will be sign, a small but clear sign, and usually I will ignore it.

I had errands to run for work today, and 45 minutes left before lunch.  I figured that would be plenty of time, but I failed to remember that this is Friday, the day that all the worst drivers in town turn out for The Freestyle Idiot Driving Competition. Then as I walked home from my office to get my car, I realized I’d have to get my wallet, which I left in the house.  My house keys are in my wallet.  See?  That was my sign.  What did I do?  Ignore it.

I had my car keys, I considered just going without the wallet. The voice in my head that tries to save me from myself told me I’d better not, so to save time, I hopped in the car and VROOM, I was back at the office where I leave an extra set of keys because I frequently lock myself out.  VROOM, I’m back home to retrieve my wallet. I live a whopping half block from my office.

So I’m off to the bank, plotting my route from there to the US Cellular office where a co-worker has left her phone case when Freestyle Idiot #2 backs out in front of me at the courthouse, in an overloaded pickup with two flat tires, emergency blinkers flashing.  Unable to stand the five mile an hour pace, I change my route, only to be cut off by Idiots #3 and #4, then I’m nearly sideswiped by Idiot #5 who cuts in front of me at the next light. Fed up, I make a turn putting me back on my original route across town.  I make up the lost time by speeding, right past Police Cruiser A.  Oh horrors!  Thank God I went home for my wallet, but as luck would have it, the A apparently stands for Apathy.  He never even hits his brakes.

Undaunted, I make it to the bank and then head out to the mall, still making good time.  Then I realize that what I thought was the US Cell office is actually the ATT office, but now I’m on the access road and it’s too late.  Cussing myself, I circle back to the main road and at a stop light I do something that I bitch incessantly about when I see others do it.  I pull out my phone and make a call.  My co-worker informs me that US Cell is on the other side of the mall from ATT, so back around to the access road I go, past the mall to US Cell.  I am no longer making good time and have begun to sweat.

I wait behind the previous customer, pick up the phone case, dash back out to the car and am promptly cut off by Idiot #6, who then sits at the stop sign rummaging through something in the seat beside her.  Rummaging, rummaging, rummaging.  *sigh*

I do something else I bitch about. I honk my horn.

She ignores me.

OMG, it’s been at least a minute! I’m getting mad now and I can’t reverse because there’s someone behind me.  I honk again, fantasize about beating the crap out of her and then finally she goes.  I hit the access road like a maniac and head past the highway to the other side of town.  I now have less than five minutes to get home and make my husband lunch before he gets home. The traffic is psycho. There’s no way in hell I’m going to make it on time.

“Don’t you even pull that turning yellow on me crap,” I tell a traffic light, “I am soo making you!”  VROOM!

Then a red HHR goes shooting past and cuts in front me.  With the next cussword still on the tip of my tongue, I realize it’s my husband. He’s waving at me.

Now it’s a race.  He makes the next light.

I don’t.  Then I put my foot in it and blow past Police Cruiser B hiding behind a telephone pole.  Thank God the B stands for Busy.  He appears to be texting and I luck out, get home and make lunch without killing anyone.

“So,”  you might say, “You completely skipped over Idiot #1.”

No, I didn’t. Idiot #1 is me and I won the contest.


~ by loretta8 on November 30, 2012.

One Response to “Idiot Number One”

  1. Husband: “What’s for lunch?”

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